I Lost My Best Friend to Suicide | by AdrianXpression

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When my best friend of about 2 years: Christopher Michael Garza committed suicide, I had to re-learn simple things like sleeping alone. We were joined at the hip. I discovered that he was suffering from anxiety & depression and I went from seeing him everyday to basically living with him. I didn’t know it then, but I suppose I had done this as an unconscious effort to save him from himself.

Immediately before it happened, Chris had suddenly improved. The depression seemingly vanished. He had a different aura around him. I thought that maybe the therapy and medication were working. We went out and partied on a Monday night and I slept at his apartment as usual when the night was over. I went to class, came back to his place (because he wasn’t answering my texts or calls) and found him. He used a belt. (Apparently, this happens a lot with people who plan to commit suicide. In their minds, they have found a solution to their anxiety so they seem at peace. If you see these signs in someone, try to get them professional help quickly.)

I’m writing this because I know someone is struggling with depression, especially LGBT individuals. I’m writing this because I know someone is facing loss. I don’t have any answers here like I usually do. I’m still dealing with this. The only thing I can say is that you are not alone. Your life matters. Your pain is real but so are positive solutions. Let Chris’ life and story be a reminder never to take people for granted.

I wrote the following poem after a good drunken cry. As sad as it is, it represents the raw emotion that was going through my mind at the time and I think the story needs to be told. I’m guilty of shying away from talking about topics like this, but we must speak more about these things so that we all can heal collectively from the scars this life often gives us.

Chris by Adrian

Oh, there you are
Oh, there you are
From the Tree of Death
that you grew while I slept.
Oh…how I regret.

Wake up.
wake up.
wake up.
wake up.

Tip-toeing, head tilted.
Eyelids lowered, but body lifted.
Your heart’s stopped pace
from that permanent necklace.
Strange fruit, bitter taste.

What am I supposed to do now?
Warm blood always cools down
but why now?
What am I supposed to do now?

My sentences now left undone
waiting on your completion.
Songs now left unsung,
Amplitude depletion.

I could have saved you
I should have saved you
I thought I gave you…
of me for you to see
how much
you mattered
and now your brain matter
can’t interpret
how my heart is shattered
by your hanging, dangling.

Tears: they roll
like a scroll
of memories
you left me to behold

Bed empty,
eyes wet,
room dark,

I’m shivering but I’m not cold.
I’m shaking but you can’t hold
me, like I used to hold you
in those sleepless nights
of internal fights.

Come back to me.
Come back and be
fun and
scared and
hurt and

We all are.

But we are not by ourselves.
You were not by yourself
but now I feel by myself.
I didn’t get to say bye, myself.

Cheap wine
club nights
deep talks
cover fights


But not your memory
Nor the beauty of your friendship
Nor your story-shade delivery

I really tried to save you
I want to reset this
But I never could protect you from
Garza Michael Chris

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Adrian is a Brooklyn native who has a passion for art and inspiration. He has desired to be an entertainer for as long as he can remember. As a small child he’d bang on pots and pans during family gatherings, hoping that someone would be impressed by his performances. He’d get older to perform in, choreograph for, and organize school shows and cultural showcases. Adrian is also a lover of music. He has been playing the piano since he was five years old and enjoys writing songs in his free time. His music taste is quite eclectic as it ranges from Reggeaton to Kpop to pop to hip-hop. Adrian’s YouTube career has only just begun. On December 11th, 2011 he uploaded his first video and hasn’t looked back. On September 6th, 2013 he started making videos consistently and has so far garnered over 2.7 million views on his channel. Adrian’s video content is diverse in that one upload may be commentary on societal issues while the next day’s video could consist of a high-energy pop culture-based topic immersed in clever wordplay (or “shade”).